Women and the hope factor! I in my humble opinion I think the hope factor is a number one killer of many women who experienced abuse in relationship. Much research has shown that women who use hope factor as their shield to continue to live in a bad relationship normally something is wrong with them. Often they think they are not good enough or not strong enough to stand on their own feet. Recently, our beloved singer Lady Jaydee admitted that some redemption was needed in her marriage. That the man she once loved and married to was very abusive. Unfortunately, the singer used the same hope factor to stay in an abusive marriage for good 10 years; hoping that one day her husband will change!

Okay, ladies let’s talk for a min. Let me start by saying this, sometimes women are selfish and naive especially when we are young. We misunderstand what love is really all about until real love problems happen to us. But even though, how can you hope to change something you didn’t create to begin with? Do you have a “copy rights” of that man you are hoping to remake? Yes, you are one body but that doesn’t mean you are one soul! “I tell you, on that night there will be two in one bed; one will be taken and the other will be left.” Luke 17:34. What I’m trying to say is; you don’t have the ownership of neither their spirit nor their soul, for that matter, stop hoping to change something you don’t know how it was made.

Moreover, the “hope factor” isn’t the reason for me to write this letter. The superficial scrutiny of Jaydee attracted a lot of negative comments in the social Medias and that is a big reason I wrote this letter today. I can hardly believe that many people still think domestic abuse is okay and cannot be talked in public. Many have criticized Jaydee for coming out in the open telling the truth of what was really going on in her household with her former husband (Gardner Habash). That how dare was she to talk about her marital affairs in the public! That was misuse of social media. Some people went even far and claimed that; she (Lady Jaydee) herself was a “home-wrecker.” Referring to Mr. Habash was still married while was riding the “love roll coaster” with Jaydee. For that matter, no sympathy on her; she got what she deserves. What goes around must come back right at your face! Or I other words you can say Karma is real! I can’t speak on the issue (infidelity), as I’m not sure of what happened. Who knows what Mr. Habash told her to win her heart?

However, regardless of how the relationship was formed, I did not found any legit reason of why people chose to ignore the big issue (abuse) and choose to scrutinize her. I viewed the issue differently, I might be wrong, but I stand to be corrected! Breakup itself is a challenge leave alone being a victim of an abusive relationship! It’s unfathomable that people who’ve never experienced the pain of been abused with the people who were supposed to love and protect you like Jaydee feel justified in criticizing her decision. Do you know how many people are suffering from bad relationship; perhaps some are even dead from abuse? Sharing is caring; I am glad Jaydee chose to care for other people. If you read between the lines they way she was answering questions, you can notice that she’s really trying to transition herself from being a victim to a hero / survivor “nimeuacha hatuja achana” said lady Jaydee in one of her answers. People, don’t be so quick to judge. Why can’t we have mercy on her, give her time to rejuvenate her body and soul! I gave respect to you all who felt her pain, and sincerely tried to encourage her with some kind and wise comments.

I think as a society we have to be courageous enough to stand up for what is right regardless of the situation. Just because someone is or was a “home-wrecker” is doesn’t make it okay to be abused. By the way, doesn’t it take two to tangle?! Who broke the vows here?! Why people trying to overlook the real issue and blaming one person?! Oh! We’re so brain washed that its always woman’s faults; ‘the mfumo dume’ that used to physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and financially abuse our grandmothers, perhaps even some of your mothers is still existing, strongly running in our brain and blood streams! We are in 21century but yet people want to use the same bad manners that our African ancestors used to raise, define, and disempower women? To me as a woman, its offensive on many levels, and it’s another bit of proof that when it comes to domestic abuse women can’t win. We all saw how harshly Flora Mbasha was criticized, and now here comes Jaydee. Shame!

However, the marriage is over! What happened in her marriage is part of her life story of which she has full ownership and rights to tell it in her own convenient and comfortable way. Jaydee is a public figure that means many people are looking up to her as their role model. For her to speak out in public I strongly support it as many will be saved from the hands of monsters! Society cannot fix something they don’t know it exists, and they only way for us to know is by bringing it-out in the public, BRAVO Jaydee! The eras of hiding, ashamed of openly talking about violence in the family is so long gone! We need to encourage more people to come out and talk about it without judging them or blaming the victim. The worst part of this drama was the fact that Tanzanian women are the one went so hard on her. I was like really?! Where is the sisterhood, what is going wrong, and how can we fix it?
Ignoring the fact that such kind of abuses happened to her, frankly, was too painful to read. It is our duty as good citizen to fix the broken system, but first it has to begin with our mind. They way we reason things. For example, we have been hearing a lot of death where a husband announces that “she died in sleep.” How are we sure if it’s true? Who knows what really happened in that bedroom? As Tanzania society we always tend to be naïve, blame it on God, “ni mipango ya Mungu!” Even if someone was strangled to death, but we put it on God! Off course I understand we won’t be able to bring our beloved ones back, but we have the duty to prevent it from happening again. Isn’t that the same reason God imposed laws on us so we won’t sin against Him again?! We have the duty to do. We need to be an open-minded society with free judgmental mindset enough to make others comfortable to come-out of closet about domestic abuse or any issue that needs public attention.

Hence, father plays a big role in a girl well being. Most women who have insecurities are due to the lack of good relationship between a father and daughter particularly in younger age, or have lived in an abusive household. Indeed, parenting is a big challenge. Mothers need to be careful how they want to raise their boys although only a father is who can give real values of what it means to be a man. Whatever the case it is; ladies we need to stop putting our hopes in things that are hopeless. We keep our hope in God because not only He’s our maker, but He has given us the reasons to! God has the “title deed” of all of us, He gave us promises that many of us believe in them because are true. For me hope is more like investment risks that one can take. Does that man gave you reasons good enough to have hope in him? My dear, take your time, think deeply, and put your risks in the right place!